In July we had our 1-Year Birthday Bash, a fundraiser for For Crying Out Loud, where there was a secret cafe, a silent auction, mustache booth, a bar, and fire dancing. Among the festivities was a feeding booth conceptualized by 2 of our friends at which there was array of baked goods and whipped cream, where one could choose how they would like to eat the food. For example, they could have the food fed to them by the proprietors of the booth, or have the food eaten off their own bodies, or vice versa. We at FCOL thought it be an excellent way to practice verbal consent, and in fact that was its main appeal to us as a group dedicated to creating a culture of consent. The creators of the booth had presented it in the past as more of a private thing. At our Bash, where there wasn’t a lot of room, it turned into the main attraction, while people were enjoying food and drinks. It took place in the main space and was the center of attention for a significant part of the evening. Due to poor planning, it became entertainment as opposed to a side activity that one could choose to experience or not experience. Given these circumstances, our main mistake was that we did not take into account public consent. Whether they wanted to or not, everyone at the party had to experience what turned into very sexualized entertainment. After the party, the folks that put on the feeding booth sent out this e-mail to the FCOL listserve:
—Dear Community, This is Hazel Pine and Biff Baskerville, of the feeding booth that was featured at the For Crying Out Loud benefit this past weekend. We wanted to give out our thanks to all that participated in the evening’s celebrations. It was a fabulous birthday bash which raised quite a bit of money and awareness about this fabulous organization. While we did enjoy the feeding booth and all who participated, we had some concerns about how that specific event panned out. This is the third time we have done this “feeding”, two other times were in Australia at large dance-party-like settings/performance evenings. Which were at larger spaces with a variety of things happening. In our planning we did not consider how performative this would turn out being. The feeding booth was not meant to be a performance. Nor was it supposed to be the only option of entertainment (more of a fun side event that people could experience if they wanted to). Due to the location and lack of foresight, it did turn into a performance. In addition, this version of the booth turned out to be a particularly sexual one. While that is one arm of the booth, it has usually been more of a mixed bag of sensation and experience. The combination of these factors made the feeding booth turn into a different beast than we had dealt with before. If we had known how sexually charged it was going to be we would have taken different precautions with space, consent and a thoughtful pause for check ins. We extend our sincerest apologies if anyone felt offended, triggered, left out or just surprised (in a not good way). We would love to hear your feedback (har har har) on your experience of the feeding booth, or suggestions for future reincartions of the feeding booth. You can contact each of us directly through email at:
Hazel: hazel.pine at gmail dot com
Biff: beastmilk at gmail dot com
Thanks so much,
Hazel Pine and Biff Baskerville —
Unfortunately, this letter did not get successfully posted on the listserve right away. There was a delay of a few days due to general confusion about how the listserve actually functions. This mishap was a red flag marking inadequacy in our communication, especially because Hazel and Biff’s concerns turned out to be well-founded. We are extremely grateful that some people have come forward and let us know that the activity was triggering for them. We sincerely apologize to anyone who had a similar experience, and acknowledge that we made a serious mistake. Being called out about our insensitivity and lack of planning has made us have some crucial conversations about how to create safer space. Since our inception as a group that addresses sexual violence, we have been interested in maintaining sex-positivity. It is absolutely essential that we do this in a way that feels safe — especially for survivors. In the future, we hope to host a variety of gatherings (that will not always have an erotic aspect). When an event does feature something that is sexually charged, we will take care to plan the space accordingly, make it explicit on the flyer, and make announcements at the event itself that will fully inform people about what is going to take place. One idea that was revived by these conversations was having “safe people,” distinguished by armbands, present at events. These folks would be there for anyone needing to talk, get home safe, or get help with a situation that was making them uncomfortable, incuding the event itself. Something we’re examining, and also have been encouraged to examine, is what we as a group are capable of responsibly committing to. Survivor Support had been planning to get a mobile phone that would be used as a help line; however we have put this off indefinitely while we focus on self-education, strengthening our resources, and improving communication within the group. These conversations we have been having are by no means over. We would greatly appreciate feedback. Your ideas and support are vital to our growth as allies, friends, and community members.
Thank you,
with love,
For Crying Out Loud
